Day 6: Library Frustration

I made it all day with no driving. We walked to school and dropped of Claire and then to the library for story time. We even walked to the store for eggs and, um, ice cream...

In between all that, I had a frustrating few moments. As I was sitting between my two little mudgies attempting to help them glue tiny pieces of tissue paper to their masterpieces, another Mom started asking me questions about Dani.

Dani was born in China. She's been home with us for about two years and I'm used to fielding questions and hearing comments about her adoption.

I'm used to it, but I still get frustrated. This particular woman annoyed me back in May. So I already answered some of these questions four months ago. Today she started out with the usual questions about her age, about our travel, etc etc. Her questions, which started out harmless, became more and more intrusive and inappropriate until finally, she put her hand on Ellie and said, "Now she's your own, right?"

I know people wonder this because Dani is Chinese and Ellie is of Irish/German heritage. The real question behind this seems to be, "Why would you adopt a child when you can have your own?" This just makes my skin crawl.

When I didn't answer her, she looked puzzled and in a stage whisper said, "I mean biologically, she's your own, right?"

I was counting in my head so that I didn't overreact. Practicing my deep cleansing breathes. I mean, I was with two of my girls in a library for goodness sakes. She said this in front of my 3 and 4 year old daughters. My mind was racing with thoughts about how much psychological damage Dani will have after a lifetime of people wanting to know who in our family is "mine". And then I tried to formulate a response that wouldn't cause the girls to pay any more attention to our conversation. I think me making a big deal about it, might make it worse for Dani. So I just looked her in the eye and said with a smile, "They're both mine." At that point, she said, "Oh you know what I mean."

I turned back to Dani to see that she had successfully glued seven pieces of tissue paper to the table and one to her cheek. Then I heard, "So are you done? Going back for more?" I'm not sure what the look on my face was. But it made her stutter, "I'm sorry, did I say something offensive?"

Well, she asked. I tried to be neutral in my response. I told her that she was asking some very personal questions and that I do not appreciate people asking about whether kids are "mine" especially in front of my kids.

Again with the stage whisper, "That's why I said it to you. She couldn't hear."

Well, she does hear (especially when she's sitting right next to me). I know that I cannot stop people from being insensitive. I know that some people have strong feelings against adoption, especially international adoption. I also know that some people are just curious (nosy) and feel that they can ask whatever they'd like. (Maybe, I should have asked her, "Is that your daughter? Is she your own? Vaginal or C section? Any tearing? Is your husband the father?")

No, I shouldn't have.

I should have stopped the conversation with a smiling, polite one liner the first time she asked a slighly intrusive question. I always read about adoptive Moms saying great things. I even wrote some down. But when she was talking, all I could think was, "Shut up!" and that's clearly inappropriate and immature. I'm well aware that a blue eyed woman with a Chinese American daughter is an attention getter. But I wish people would think about how their comments might sound to little three year old ears.